Feel good, you'll look better

It is really true! When you feel good, like when you're simply in your comfortable clothes or you aced an exam or just having a good mood, you are absolutely going to look better! If so, don't miss the chance to take a picture of yourself wearing your bright smile. Just like what I did! I believe that it helps to remind me why I should always keep my mind positive everyday. You know, self-motivation.

So, if you want to look young and vibrant just like me, you should also start being optimistic, and the rest will follow.

Try it! Optional, but highly recommended ;)

@ St. Michael's Retreat House

At last, I'm home!

I had an overnight stay at Saint Michael's for the seniors' retreat.

I won't make this too vulgar because the speaker said so.

The retreat house is big, clean and peaceful. I was one of the students to be assigned at the clergy room.
No gadgets were allowed so I didn't bring my phone.

We started yesterday at 10 in the morning. Our sessions and other activities were fun. We talked a lot about our parents, family and God. Few about choosing the right friends. I was very emotional inside that session room. I had two handkerchiefs, both soaked in wet. I can't help but to cry. Tears kept falling. They were not tears of sadness, but of happiness. I know for so long that I am very lucky in life. I tried to stop the tears but didn't worked out, i'm just really such a crybaby.

We ended our activity last  night around 10:30. My roommates and I didn't sleep as soon as we entered the clergy room. We had our midnight snack, talked more, and I took a bath even I'm shivering in cold. I was only able to sleep for 4 hours or less.

By 6:15 in the morning, today, the mass had started and i am blessed to be chosen as the 2nd reader and felt more better because I was able to give service this Sunday even if  I'm not with my family together at the church.

We've shared so many stories, listened to their problems, prayed for each other and so much more. I just have to leave them there.

For the second time of my life, after 4 years, I have revived my spiritual and mental health. My heart has recovered from all the pain in the past and was healed by God. I feel so refreshing, accomplished, complete and thankful!

I got home safe and sound around 11:30 in the morning bringing the joy from the retreat house to my own home.

God is so good! :)

self loathing

I was Charles Dickens in another life.

Or, maybe I wasn't him. Maybe I was that crazy lady in Great Expectations.

What was her name? Havingham? Haversham?

Havisham.

(I googled it.)

Remember her? The nutcase who stopped the clocks in her house to the exact moment of her betrayal at the alter and who never took off her wedding dress and lived in her rotting mansion with her crazy adopted daughter?

Is that me? Or, future me?

So, maybe I'm not the crazy spinster but I know something about Great Expectations. I am the queen of creating Great Expectations.

Always, always setting up expectations. Thinking things like "oh, this will be wonderful" or "oh, this is the person I will marry" or "oh, I am going to publish my book" or "oh, this moment will be the moment of all moments and I will always remember this impending moment."

And then it doesn't happen that way.

I spiral.

And it sucks because I wish I could just have a bad day and leave it at that. Why can't I just have a bad day? Why are bad days always accompanied by fear that the depression will creep back into my life? I am once again thinking things like "Do I need meds?" or "Can I beat this with theraphy?" and "Maybe if I stopped eating junk food, I'd feel better," and "I wish I could feel like my life is not out of my control."

Spiral down.

It starts with a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, a burning in my eyes. Anything to keep from crying.

Don't happy people have bad days when all they do is cry?

I don't know who I am sometimes, but I am not the famed English author and I am not a crazy spinster and I am not a boy with a stupid name and I am not a convict. But I know a little something about Great Expectations.

A change, for a start

yes. i finally changed the blogskin. this time, i'm satisfied. for now, anyway. let's just say that it's a new beginning to a mediocre ending..... :)

will pen down more soon.
till then :)